musing

there's a song called "Your Mind Belongs to the State" by Meat Beat Manifesto that i skip past a lot on my iPod. it makes me uncomfortable. not because of the subject matter, which deals with individuality, insanity, violence, etc., subjects that might rub someone the wrong way in their own right. my discomfort comes from a sampled sentence repeated every so often of a man asking simply, "what do you want from the rest of your life?"

i never know how to answer that.

having delved so far into Joe's Ustream (i'm pretty much a fixture at this point, sun-thurs) and getting caught up in drawing again, it reminds me of how many people told me i should draw for a living. my parents would get me character-drawing books. my grandfather wanted me to send me something i'd drawn. (i never did; too paranoid.) my sketchbook was a matter of public record from 5th grade through high school, passed around and doodled in by all manner of friends. so why the slowdown? i'm kind of angry at myself, not so much for the flurry of activity now...but why the dry-up for months, years beforehand? and what's keeping me from taking it on seriously?

(flashback to living with druggie ex, both unemployed, making a point to draw every day on the rooftop of our building...i did it once and never again)

thinking about it, though.. it's not just drawing that gets me. my true desire is to make people laugh. drawing (and storytelling) is a means to that end. there is also the fact that several of the webcomics i read are much bigger on story than graphics...but i think i'd end up frustrated and unsatisfied if i took that route.

no matter what, it's something only the strong can survive. am i ready to test that strength?