28 April 2009

a brief missive


that is all.

13 April 2009

crappy anniversary

how fitting that i made a bittersweet pudding pie for my fifth anniversary at work today. i've had the best and the worst times of my life due to, and sometimes in spite of, my current place of employment...which i wish desperately to leave.

i temped there for almost two years before they finally let me on board. just because the previous two temps turned out to be duds, it didn't mean i was, but no matter. now those two are gone, one off to grad school, the other fired. god, she was something else. in my weaker moments i understand her ever-growing spaciness, which many attributed to drugs.. she wasn't of their ilk either, yet she insisted on staying in the industry, i hear. if you're not 100% devoted to finance - and you're low on vacation time - working there will literally drive you mad.

i'm so exhausted all the time, i just want someone to take over my life so i don't have to think about it anymore. guide me, direct me, i'll do whatever you want, as long as you actually give a shit about my well-being and not just about money. that's all we do. we serve no other purpose except to make ourselves money. that is our greater good. in this economy we're doing a damned good job of it, but i've got to let it go. i've got to convince myself that i'm capable of breaking the tether, of doing something else besides what i've done for the past five years, even if it's sweeping up hair clippings or prepping the hog-rendering vat.

the catch-22, of course, is i'm so stressed i don't know what i can do anymore. i want to stop now, which is such a bad idea on so many levels...it makes me want to sleep. for a really, really long time. and not wake up until there's someone standing over me who will stroke my hair and take me away from all of it.

these are dark times.