13 April 2009

crappy anniversary

how fitting that i made a bittersweet pudding pie for my fifth anniversary at work today. i've had the best and the worst times of my life due to, and sometimes in spite of, my current place of employment...which i wish desperately to leave.

i temped there for almost two years before they finally let me on board. just because the previous two temps turned out to be duds, it didn't mean i was, but no matter. now those two are gone, one off to grad school, the other fired. god, she was something else. in my weaker moments i understand her ever-growing spaciness, which many attributed to drugs.. she wasn't of their ilk either, yet she insisted on staying in the industry, i hear. if you're not 100% devoted to finance - and you're low on vacation time - working there will literally drive you mad.

i'm so exhausted all the time, i just want someone to take over my life so i don't have to think about it anymore. guide me, direct me, i'll do whatever you want, as long as you actually give a shit about my well-being and not just about money. that's all we do. we serve no other purpose except to make ourselves money. that is our greater good. in this economy we're doing a damned good job of it, but i've got to let it go. i've got to convince myself that i'm capable of breaking the tether, of doing something else besides what i've done for the past five years, even if it's sweeping up hair clippings or prepping the hog-rendering vat.

the catch-22, of course, is i'm so stressed i don't know what i can do anymore. i want to stop now, which is such a bad idea on so many levels...it makes me want to sleep. for a really, really long time. and not wake up until there's someone standing over me who will stroke my hair and take me away from all of it.

these are dark times.


Bill V said...

We really need to talk. But happy anniversary anyway. Sounds like things are bad, but the good thing about that is the only way is up. Let's be friends, hope things get better. And really, let's talk.

Joshua said...

I worked at a multi-billion dollar mega corporation for nearly 7 years (it rhymed with "hell").
I think my experience had a similar flavor, though the ingredients were different. They paid well and the benefits were nice, but the corporate environment chipped away at the soul. Every day was a slow, stagnant death. I was constantly tired. When I got home, I'd dream of work, wake up and go back to work. When I'd walk to lunch, I would step out into traffic thinking, "if someone hits me, I won't have to go back to the office!"
My misery was that I was a cog in the machine. At best, I could work toward being a larger cog, but nothing more. This is something that bothers me personally, your mileage may vary. I left for a tiny company (~80,000 people vs 8 people) and I have been infinitely happier.
Here is hoping that you track down whatever is leeching away at you. Isolate it or cut it out of your life.
-3 Angry Inches