the inevitable

I woke up this morning, groggy and incoherent for the umpteenth time after a night spent ill at ease. it’s always this way on a Sunday night; my 5:20 am wake-up time comes far too early, truncating my nights and prolonging my days.

as I struggled to jump-start my day via Starbucks and thrusting myself into my work, I came upon a CNN article (thanks, Joe). it was about four young black men in Greensboro, NC who sat at a white diner counter at Woolworth’s fifty year ago today. I’d probably heard of them in passing, part of a grouping of factoids in American history class.

but the interview garnered from one of the protestors struck a few chords in my heart. the fact that the Greensboro Four were terrified to do what they did, but they did it anyway. the fact that although they got support from some classmates, most of the people they petitioned thought they were crazy. the title of the article says it all: “Never request permission to start a revolution.”

so I quit my job.

it was not a true revolution, per se. I didn’t confer with anyone before acting, partially so I wouldn’t lose my nerve, mostly so I wouldn’t be convinced I was as crazy as I knew I was. it was a personal revolution, something that needed to be done. and it still scared the hell out of me. I’m scared stiff as I write this, ready to burst into tears again at the thought of the wide open space underneath me.

the article can’t take all the credit; I’ve wanted to do this for a long, long time now. I remember starting as a temp and hoping earnestly that I’d be hired to get my benefits, wondering at the same time how long I’d actually stay. my fourth official year ended yesterday. (my unofficial sixth year would have passed in April.) last March I got a wild hair and started to peruse job listings, updated my résumé, wanted more than anything to get out of this place…except I forgot to quit. I don’t think I quite forgave myself for that. luckily it was a fantastic year and staying on meant I could pay for wonderful things like PAX and SPX and three CP cons…but the fact that I’m getting more and more into those wonderful things meant something had to give.

besides improving Wighthouse, I don’t know what I’m going to do now. this is the dumbest and smartest thing I've ever done. I've got the usual two weeks; there’s the technical stuff, like making sure my health insurance is extended and wrapping up loose ends with my coworkers. I am convinced I will not be paralyzed by this change, but energized by this freedom. eventually.

I still have to freak out just a little.

status report

• I got less than five hours of sleep last night, thanks to chatting on Skype. I daresay it was worth it, though.


• I'm also still quite sick from contracting some minor plague over New Year's. it’s reached the lung infestation stage, to the point where I welcome productive coughs so that I will be rid of it. also, I’m gross.


• there’s an email from Kris Straub sitting in my mailbox I’m scared to read, for its mere presence implies rejection…in my mind, at least. (I asked for permission to use something from CSS in my own comic.)


• I need a smartphone oh so badly. according to T-Mobile I’m not eligible for a Nexus One upgrade yet, but I’m not sure I’d want one anyway, what with them jerking their long-time customers around in exchange for new ones. I hate Blackberry, and I’d rather have Android than iPhone cuz I’m not a Mac person and it just makes sense…I dunno. options look slim.


• I've been playing games again, but I'll cover that elsewhere.


• can’t stand being at work today. however, part of the reason I’m still here is I’m allergic to job post jargon. me opening up Craigslist is eerily akin to Bart reading about the Supreme Court.


• today feels like the kind of day where, 20 years ago, I’d be curled up at the family PC with piles of my dad’s Big Blue Disks and UpTimes (which I still have). oh Dungeons of Kroz and Moraff’s Revenge, how I miss you. shit, that's how I came upon Zoarre, too. *sniffle*

those that giveth

what's the coolest gift you've ever gotten from a significant other?

i've been given gifts in the past by boyfriends. seeing as how i frequently date poor guys from other states, they haven't been numerous. but i was reading about the chaotic nature of Christmas ornaments, and was reminded of a gift i was given in junior high by my first huge, life-changing crush.

it was a 3.5" floppy disk with a program on it that made fractals. i don't know if he thought i would like it or if he just thought it was cool himself.. it seemed an unusual choice. he didn't seem particularly science-minded; as i recall, his main interests were industrial/metal music and slacking. but here was this disk, with a nifty program on it on a subject i enjoyed, that he didn't even have to give me. i'd say that qualifies.

of course, if some enterprising young man were to bequeath an Intuos unto me, i'd have to change my mind...

grinding along

well. I seem to be going through a bit of depression. pretty bad this time. now this is by no means a recent phenomenon – in fact, feel free to file it under “not news” – but suffering through it in the context of a webcomic launch…it puts a different spin on it. so what do I do?

in fourth grade I had an incident in the lunchroom. food was placed before me and I didn’t want to eat it. just the thought of ingesting it repulsed me to no end. that refusal, and the following outburst, wound me up in the principal’s office. I felt the same repulsion last night when I sat down at my desk to work on my comic. my brain balked entirely; I would have rather canvassed the neighborhood with a gaggle of Mormons. I just couldn’t take it.

but I’m logical enough to know that if I don’t plow through it, even if my mind is throwing a tantrum, nothing will ever get done. back on the horse, full speed ahead, etc. etc. no one said this was going to be easy…in fact, all evidence I’ve heard has been to the contrary. got to concentrate on the good things, no matter how out of reach they seem right now.

the ABCs of webcomics

so I plowed through my first weekend of hardcore comic-making. as an exercise in self-ass-kickery, I choose a launch date relatively soon, forcing myself to stop dicking around and get my bearings. it worked…for the most part. my observations on webcomicking so far:

• Webcomics.com and Blambot are awesome resources. it’s great that some of the biggest in the field want to lend a hand with the up-and-coming. very helpful indeed.


• a tight updo contributes to eyestrain headaches.


• I’ve written more scripts than I thought, but I need more, always more.


• the Chicago Board of Trade building is a BITCH to draw in Photoshop. first I drew it by hand, scanned it and tried to ink it in PS. I didn’t like how it looked, so I inked over a couple reference photos instead. not 100% pleased with how those looked either. process: two entire days. I’m not too fond of the straight, clean lines of Art Deco anymore…


• when in doubt in PS, zoom the fuck in. while doing the CBOT, I got the urge to make a huge banner over my desk that screamed “ZOOM IN, YOU TWAT.” wonder if Kinko’s could help me with that.


• with “inside time” maximized, I became more domestic than ever. I cooked far more than usual; did my laundry with only a weeks’ worth of clothes; threw out my six-month-old pizza boxes; cleaned the litter box; painted my nails about a thousand times, trying to get rid of bad colors…lengthy drawing periods necessitate many breaks, allowing for small cleaning breaks and other things to break up monotony. the important thing is to not get too distracted by, say, TV or YouTube or vidja games.


• speaking of distractions, I turned down an invite to a bar. a friend came over to borrow my Internet while hers was down. I mentioned a new place with a good-looking menu (Allagash White and Lindeman’s Framboise on tap? mmm mm!), saying we had to go there sometime. her response: “are you hungry now?” I was, but I politely declined and made my own (scrumptious) pizza instead. this…this will pay off one day.


• despite basically doing the same things I’d do otherwise on a typical weekend (sitting at my desk, barely going outside, etc), I felt 10x lonelier. I don’t know if it was the constant drawing, listening to podcasts instead of a live stream like last.fm, or not giving myself the option to go outside if I felt like it. maybe I get out of the house more than I realize. this leads me to consider taking on a roommate with similar interests.

now to repeat, ad nauseum.

choose wisely

"You need to get out more," says my therapist. "It's hard to find someone to date locally if you don't put yourself out there."

She's right, of course. I'm not going to meet anyone in this city if I sit around at home. So I do what comes naturally: I devise plans for a webcomic, thereby eliminating all possible free time for encounters of the opposite sex. Brilliant, no?

I think I'll have some more wine.

even softer worlds

Joe started a TF2-themed hash for a softer world on Twitter, so naturally I had to follow... (click for full size)