lifetime guarantee

it's good to know that after all these years, "The Pass" by Rush still brings me to my knees.

the edge

finished House of Leaves today. i also just reinstalled Photoshop, after an unfortunate happenstance (read: i fucked up) prompted me to give Windows a do-over. one of my favorite things to do in PS is fuss around with text. i fired up a clean, new image and started typing.

now fucking Courier is making me hyperventilate.

adventurism

a concatenation of guilt, emotional hurt and internal personality disorders can lead to some new, interesting experiences.

like, for example, drinking an entire bottle of wine in two hours.

it's gonna be a long day.

a long, bleak stretch

so i went to Seattle for PAX over Labor Day weekend. for those not in the know, PAX is a convention for gamers put on by the guys from Penny Arcade. it was an incredible experience, but the actual con could have been better, i felt. i spent a lot of time waiting in lines (which had its own social dynamic) and not enough time actually enjoying games. or gamers.

for i knew when i went to this thing, one of the main positives would be that i would be amongst...my people. yes, gamers can be elitest, fanatical, vulgar and dangerously unkempt, but they just get it as far as games are concerned. somehow or another, games drew us all to that nexus for three interminably short days. by a vast margin, everyone was cool with each other; i didn't see any fights or even serious disagreements, mostly support and enjoyment.

perfect example: i met up with my Team Fortress 2 clanmate Steve (aka mentok1982) from Baltimore. he'd been to PAX last year and was a hugely rabid Penny Arcade fan. for once i didn't feel like a complete freak for knowing certain comics by heart; here was someone filling in my sentences. we listened to many a PA podcast over the duration (shamefully, i had only listened to one all the way through). he rekindled my love of Korn and gothiness. we went on about TF2, Fallout 3, Prince of Persia, Left 4 Dead, Far Cry 2.. he watched me headshot an expert gamer chick in Unreal Tournament 3, along with a smallish crowd. it was pretty damn cool. i was simply drenched in everything that i love, and i was among people who felt the same way i did.

since it was chilly in Seattle (mid-60s compared to Chicago's mid-80s), Steve kept letting me borrow his cozy Black Mantle hoodie, sprung full-force from this strip, which is one of my faves. i can't explain it; it almost makes me hallucinate with twisted laughter. anyway, when i got home i got the bright idea to buy one for work, since i'm always freezing my ass off. it just came today, all black and forboding and inside-jokey.

and that's what's getting me. i had a strong suspicion that depression would settle upon me once i got back, but the full reality hasn't hit me until now.. until i'm sitting here at work, behoodied, with no one — no one who gets the joke. goddammit, do i really have to wait another year to feel like i belong somewhere again?

snapshots of breakfast at corner bakery

• standing at the counter waiting for them to finally ring up my shit. i saw a couple come up to the counter, a young girl and an elderly man. the man asked for a cinnamon raisin bagel, then immediately repeated his order, loudly. counter girl asked him if he wanted it toasted. the man asked, "does that cost extra?"


• a very obese woman languished at the counter, waiting on her order. this would not be notable if she had not been wearing black socks with little snowmen on them. in august. i realize that maybe sometimes you don't care what you throw on...but seriously?

highlight of my day (so far)

hearing Tom Morello of Rage Against the Machine sing the 7th inning stretch at Wrigley Field. there's so much wrong with that statement, it's beautiful. i knew he was local, but i never thought... it just sets up the old dynamic of him vs. Zack de la Rocha. i can see both of them in my mind, Zack with this really pissed off look on his face, about to punch someone; and i pan over to Tom, lounging on a sofa playing Xbox, telling him to chill and not be such a douche. on a very basic level, i love that man.

sick of everything

seriously. my ipod's dragging, my tried-and-true movie faves don't appeal.. i've even come down off my Horrible high. (fun while it lasted!) i did see a music vid (they still have those?) on friday that stayed with me the whole weekend. it's an Australian band called Eskimo Joe. never heard of em, but they've got an '80s/early '90s rock sound with a touch of the creepy. i dig the guy's voice, too. i'm sure my endorsement will make them happier than they've ever been.

other than that obsession...bleh. i want to get out and consume some new media!

for one week only!

okay. it won't make a lick of difference, but as someone working her way through "Firefly" and an occasional blogger, i have to do this:



a supervillian musical with Neil Patrick Harris, Nathan Fillion and.. you know what, just watch it. it's less than 14 minutes long and it's really fucking funny.

growing up

is it bad that i still count my age in months? as of tomorrow, i will be 28 and 10 months old. god, that looks so queer...like i'm gearing up for an old-timey headstone.

remind me...

...never to eat eggs again. oh my lard, i feel horrible. like i did 5,000 situps yesterday and drank vodka in lieu of sleeping.

speaking of aching body parts, strangely enough, i danced at neo on saturday and i feel fine. so far. there's still a chance i will be kicked in the ass by lactic acid buildup "delayed onset muscle soreness." (shit, wikipedia tells me lactic acid isn't a valid excuse for sore muscles anymore. AP biology? debunkt!) it was a fun time regardless.. i knew far too few songs on the dance floor, even though i doubt they played anything past 2003. hell, they played "shake the disease," which i would hardly consider dancable. (it was early.)

whenever i go, i'm consistently amazed at how some of the angriest music ever made makes me so happy. the pounding bass, the tortured screams, the clang of synthesizers...it's all so lovely. i really am a very violent person. i dance violent, in a "get the fuck away from me" manner. it takes on a cleansing property, which indicates i'm getting out some very bad stuff...or i need massive amounts of intense therapy. probably both.

another QotD

from a Chicagoist post on 6/26:

"In the eternal battle of Ninjas v. Pirates, the dark-horse winner is always Vikings."

now that i think about it, this makes total fucking sense.

crises

lately i've been feeling the drag of time upon me. with the passing of kristin's grandmother, several friends getting married, and my 29th birthday soon to come, i have to wonder just what makes a life. rather, what makes my life. if i waste it, is it such a huge deal? what makes another person's accomplishments that much grander, on the timewise scale of humanity?* not to be trippy or morbid, but we are all just blips in the universe. it could give less of a shit about us. (that's why i love Douglas Adams so much.)

back to earth. i've noticed that my pervasive feeling of uselessness and boredom is most prominent at work. (shocker.) this used to be a high-stress job. i'd come in at quarter to 7, be a flurry of activity for most of the day with much sweating and teeth-gnashing, and not get out until at least 5. now i'm lucky if i get data entry stuff to put in once an hour. the rest of the time is gobbled up by refreshing my bookmarks ad nauseum. and yet...the stress continues. due to the early hours and what i assume is my recent exercising, i've been more and more of a zombie at my job. i'm just...not...here. i can barely function. it's pretty damn concerning.

well, get another job, you say. fine. except:
- it pays well. i've got money saved, but i'm terrified of losing it all. on the other hand, sometimes i wonder why i have money saved at all; i never do anything with it.
- i'm not qualified for anything else. hell, i got this gig through a temp agency. there's no way i could have snagged this on my own; i think i'm the only one in my office without a college education. what's the solution to that? either:
- going to school full-time, which costs tons of money, or
- taking night classes, which.. well, if i'm a zombie now, i dread to think of what would become of me then. i don't have the drive.

now i'm starting to sound like a whiner. which is valid. but i just don't know how to balance what i need with what i want...especially when the former impedes upon knowing the latter.

* i almost typed "hunanity," which made me hungry for lo mein.

QotD*

"Day 184. Still can’t go outside. Monkeys waiting to fist me with robot arms."

* nevermind that it was written on the 29th, i haven't read it in a while.

good lord i'm 30 (in another year and three months)

i just realized today that i will turn 30 on 9/9/09. or, to put it a spookier way, 09/09/09. (aside: does this mean i'm the antichrist? or the antiantichrist? if that's the case, y'all are fucked.)

as much as i hate to dwell on my rapidly approaching milestone, i can't help but think i have to do something batshit crazy to celebrate that date. maybe if i save up now, i can book one of those individual flights to the moon...good luck to my party guests on pulling that one off.

current obsessions

• lindsay buckingham - 'go insane.' heard it on the radio last week for about five seconds and had to get it. i'm sure i've heard it at some other point in my life, cuz it sounded vaaaaguely familiar. the chorus is so fuckin' catchy i think i've got an infection.


• little debbie nutty bars. i had a dream about these things a few weeks ago.. i was eating a chocolate/wafer/peanut butter bar but i didn't know what it was. one of those itchings in the back of your brain, y'know? well, i went to the store today and locked eyes with the object of my obsession. didn't get any after seeing the unholy amounts of fat in them, but it's good to know what they are!


• caffeine. i think i'm back on the horse again.. and just when kim quits starbucks. thanks for nothing.


• games in general. i haven't gamed this much in a long time.. PC, wii, emulator, and oh yeah.. i got the DS. squee!

note: obsessions subject to change at any time. if you do not agree with current obsessions, please wait half an hour.

consume, consume, CONSUUUUUME!!

i sure hope the senate passes that there economic stimulus package, cuz i gots me somethin' to buy:

http://kotaku.com/351504/its-official-nintendo-announces-cobaltblack-ds-lite

and of course, once that's in my grubby little mitts, it's only natural to wanna do this:

http://frodo.dyn.gno.org/~brettk/NetHackDS

yeehaaw!

genius

funniest, most awesome, seemingly non-sensical sentence i've read today:

'his special move is to walk out and lick his cathole, causing one point of damage to all enemies.'

this is, of course, describing the upcoming 'penny arcade adventures episode 1: on the rain-slick precipice of darkness.' if you'll excuse me, i have to run to the bathroom now, weeping with hilarity.

memory loss

(excuse the capitals...MS Werd overrode my dashing style)

I was doing my daily crossword on the train this morning when I came across something odd. For the life of me, I couldn’t remember the capital of Oregon. Not only did I not remember it, it was one of those things I couldn’t recall ever knowing, even though I know I knew it. (what a mental mouthful.) The only city I could even think of in Oregon is Eugene, and that’s because it was mentioned in a Futurama episode I saw last night.

This is seriously disturbing. I pride myself on my rote memorization ability, and to find it’s disintegrated? And over something as simple as state capitals? I wish this were something new, but it’s not. I often have conversations, then can’t recall what I said five minutes later. (This was particularly true of convos with my abusive ex. Made defending myself hell on earth.) Thoughts of the A-word have popped up in my head from time to time. My step-grandfather died from it, but he wasn’t blood, so I thought I was safe.. until I found out recently that my paternal grandfather died from it, too. On top of that, I know my memory has gone steadily downhill, probably since I graduated high school. I figured part of it might be because I didn’t really _have_ to memorize anything anymore, at least not for memorization’s sake. Another part of it might be the amount of games I play and the degree I get swallowed by them, not taking in any other information.

Then I read this.

Sadly, it makes a lot of sense. I’ve been listless and mopey the past couple days.. coupled with my unique flavor of tired, it’s not as jarring that I couldn’t remember Salem. (it still sounds weird to me, though.) The pros are I don’t think I have to worry about Alzheimer’s quite yet, and there may be a legitimate reason for my mental lapses. The cons? Well…what am I going to do about it?