crises

lately i've been feeling the drag of time upon me. with the passing of kristin's grandmother, several friends getting married, and my 29th birthday soon to come, i have to wonder just what makes a life. rather, what makes my life. if i waste it, is it such a huge deal? what makes another person's accomplishments that much grander, on the timewise scale of humanity?* not to be trippy or morbid, but we are all just blips in the universe. it could give less of a shit about us. (that's why i love Douglas Adams so much.)

back to earth. i've noticed that my pervasive feeling of uselessness and boredom is most prominent at work. (shocker.) this used to be a high-stress job. i'd come in at quarter to 7, be a flurry of activity for most of the day with much sweating and teeth-gnashing, and not get out until at least 5. now i'm lucky if i get data entry stuff to put in once an hour. the rest of the time is gobbled up by refreshing my bookmarks ad nauseum. and yet...the stress continues. due to the early hours and what i assume is my recent exercising, i've been more and more of a zombie at my job. i'm just...not...here. i can barely function. it's pretty damn concerning.

well, get another job, you say. fine. except:
- it pays well. i've got money saved, but i'm terrified of losing it all. on the other hand, sometimes i wonder why i have money saved at all; i never do anything with it.
- i'm not qualified for anything else. hell, i got this gig through a temp agency. there's no way i could have snagged this on my own; i think i'm the only one in my office without a college education. what's the solution to that? either:
- going to school full-time, which costs tons of money, or
- taking night classes, which.. well, if i'm a zombie now, i dread to think of what would become of me then. i don't have the drive.

now i'm starting to sound like a whiner. which is valid. but i just don't know how to balance what i need with what i want...especially when the former impedes upon knowing the latter.

* i almost typed "hunanity," which made me hungry for lo mein.